Facing My Own Disillusionment: A Clergy Confession

It is a shame how quickly we lose sight of authors through the years. So many books, so little time I suppose. Used book stores a wonderful source of stories and forgotten wisdom. On my shelf, is one of those books picked up, one until recently I’d not yet read. As I often quote the old saying, “When the pupil is ready, the teacher appears.” I suppose the time was right for me to read Eugenia Price then…

“Some disillusioning experiences come gradually, but more often than not the element of shock is involved when an idol crumbles, a dream disintegrates, a hope vanishes...the illusion of children are no silly; they are natural. But it is another matter when we reach the twenties, thirties, forties, and, like me, the fifties, still clinging to unrealistic illusions, still insisting upon putting our faith in people” (from No Pat Answers, 37).”


I have to own up to the reality this is a road I have been on for some time now, and one, I am coming to face through all the disillusioning experiences I’ve had in life, in family, in ministry. It is so easy to build ourselves castles and towers and kingdoms in our childhood but in the reality of things, I should have seen it sooner. It should have been in my first full-time position as a youth pastor and in the closed door conversations but I wouldn’t see it. I was young and I cherished my illusions.

For years after, I still, stubbornly clung to those illusions and had enough good and gracious people around me who also held to similar convictions. Little by little, life, experience, failure, suffering, caring, loving, dying, the facade has come down.

I suspect this is why more and more people are not beholden to denominations. I hate that. Our denominations offer us a chance to see the great diversity of God’s creation and how we understand God. It is unfortunate to say they have become institutions rather than communities, places where the hungry, the sick, the worn out, the hopeful, can find healing. On a number of items, I have had a “love/hate” relationship with Richard Rohr but I think he gets it right here:

“We clergy have gotten ourselves into the job of ‘sin management’ instead of sin transformation. ‘If you are not perfect, the YOU are doing something wrong,’ we have taught people. We have blamed the victim, or have had little pity for victims, while daring to worship a victim image of God. I do not think you should get rid of your sin until you have learned what it has to teach you. Otherwise, it will only return in new forms, as Jesus says of the ‘unclean spirit’ that returns to the house all ‘swept and tidied’ (Luke 11:24-26)...(from Falling Upward, 61-62)”

God’s mercy is wider and broader and God’s grace is deeper and more filling than what we humans are passing off as gospel, it seems. Now, I will say, there are many who don’t care for anything beyond a ‘happy meal’ to call their religion. It will fill your belly but not the soul. It takes a great deal of work to get into the kitchen and craft a meal. We’re not all there. And you cannot force anyone there. You have to get there by your own journey. The community that is the church, should be providing shelter along the journey though, a place where Jesus is lifted up when we grow disillusioned...

“I, if I be lifted up...will draw all [people] unto me,” Jesus said (John 12:32). We’re drawn to other people, to a sunset, to a clear, black shadow across grass, to a passage of music, but only God can draw us to real worship. Any other form of worship is false and will end in disillusionment. Only Jesus Christ cannot disillusion us. (from No Pat Answers, 38).”

We are needing grace. Not just the grace of God but the giving of grace to one another, not one best on illusions but one based in fact - in reality - we humans are sinners and we don’t play well with others! Jesus, “takes away the sin of the world’ by absorbing it himself and exhibits no need to punish anybody else. He transforms the pain instead of transmitting it, and doing that is largely misunderstood to this day. We prefer tit-for-tat morality, passing on the problem, instead of taking away the problem. It fits our small idea of justice, but Paul comes up with a whole new idea of ‘justification’ based enitrely on this Jesus pattern of gracious existence. Jesus lives and teaches redemptive love instead of the common lie of “redemptive violence.” (from Wild Man to Wise Man, Rohr, 55.)”

This is not theology of justifying sinful behavior, it is recognizing God, in Jesus Christ, has done something with sin that we could not and cannot, and nor should we continue in the mode of gate keepers to the Kingdom. But in the zeal for change, may we be wary of changing one gate keeper for another.

Don't worry about cheering me up or offering platitudes of encouragement, I'm finding my way on this journey of faith with guides I have found around me.  I have plenty of reason to hope for my hope is in Jesus and I have not lost my faith in Jesus at all!  Let us not lose sight ever, that the Church, and churches, are not our kingdoms to rule, whether you are laity or clergy. These are people longing for the Kingdom of God to be real. Only Jesus is sufficient so let us live and give grace.


John said...

Sounds similar to my experience and explains why often I find it hard to go to church consistently. As one clergy crisis person told me, you are seeing what is and what is not gospel. Seek to throw away the dross without throwing away the gold. Thus my book is about returning to the Bible instead of dubious secular sources which have led us to where we are today.

Anonymous said...

White women are complete trash. Asian women are so much better than white women. And this is why white women are so jealous of Asian women.


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