I Don't Want To Write.


This may well be one of the silliest things I have written.  I keep starting and stopping.  I’ve got journal entries and partial blog posts written only to a point and now just backing up in a folder.  I like to write but here is the truth, I don’t want to do it.  Or, maybe I do, but what I want to say I just do not want to share it with you.


I read others’ writings and thoughts.  I am torn about writing and what I want to say because, somethings do not need to be written.  Everything about my life and what my family is going through does not need to be in my blog.  It does not needed to be tweeted about and you don’t need to see my instagram and my family inside joke doesn’t need a hashtag.  


One of the best lines I’ve read recently comes from Simon Tugwell in his book “Ways of Imperfection,” where he writes, “The first work of grace is simply to enable us to begin to understand what is wrong.”  That really resonates with me.  It is good spirituality for a Methodist because John Wesley called the first work of God’s grace: prevenient grace - “the grace that goes before.”  God is working for our good before we even believe in God and maybe,the first thing we need to know is what is wrong.


Wait, no, that isn’t what Tugwell said, it was, “...begin to understand…”  Maybe it is a slight slip, maybe “Freudian” because we sure seem to always want to “know” things.  We want the facts and the truth on our side and once they are there THEN we can keep things straight.

Keep telling yourself that.  Go ahead.  But it seems to me, we are always only beginning to understand just about everything.  That is especially true when we get it in our heads that the world is somehow supposed to be a certain way.  That is what I think Ernest Kurtz and Katherine Ketcham are getting at when the write,  "Much of the pain of spiritual suffering, comes from wallowing in wishes and fantasies of things being other than the way they are." (from "The Spirituality of Imperfection")


When you watch your family suffering through things you just KNOW should not be happening, that are simply NOT RIGHT, you hear a lot well meaning words and attempts to comfort which simply do not resonate.  What you are aware of is that something is WRONG, and it is wrong with all of us, it is wrong in all of us and within any number of circumstances and with the world, “but there is nothing wrong with that, because that is the nature of REALITY” (28, ibid).


Maybe this is more to do with Paul’s words in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 where he says famously,  “But [God] said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”  Here is the problem with dreaming of having a “first century church,” it was full of the same reality we still have - people wanting to be God and learning they are not.

It is in the wound, in the weakness where God comes and enters our lives. We are being cornered by the “Hound of Heaven” and called by the “Trumpet in Zion” to give up our claim to being the Christ and simply allow Jesus to be who He is. This is why we must, in the face of cruelty, persecution, evil and the like, we continue to offer Christ and we continue to be as Christ to those in need but we aren't THE Christ.  

I cannot see anything right about my wife’s suffering from her cancer and the effects on our family.  We don’t get to be strong, we get to give up and in giving up, we can receive the grace of beginning to understand what truly is wrong.


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