I told my two kids that the emotions they would feel would come and go and be like a roller coaster. Yes, even in the middle of class, tears might have to be fought back. A simple thought or moment could stun them. How did I know? Because this is not my first rodeo with cancer. The difference is I’m not the one fighting, my wife is.
I’m on the sideline this time and I’m going to be up front, it sucks. This is the woman I love. My best friend, my partner in crime, the one I share my memories with and the mother of my kids. We’ve been married for 19 years, going on 20 and that means I’ve now spent more of my life in a home I have shared with her than the home I shared with my folks. It took a few minutes for that to sink in today.
What’s more is that I’m a pastor. I’m supposed to have answers for this. Bible verses should just pop right out. The right one, at the right moment, and said in just the right way. But they’re not coming, not like that anyway.
I am really thankful for all the Facebook messages and notes. The e-mails from fellow clergy really mean a lot, really.
I think something should be different but I know, from experience, it won’t be, not just yet. Right now is the calm before the storm. We’re just on the edge of things, “There Be Monsters” signs are posted but we’re not far enough into the forest to get a sense of the danger. Not yet anyway.
I don’t know what I don’t know but what I do know is we have faith. We have hope. We have love. There is no banging gongs here. This is a place of shadow and even here, God has placed the standard of His reign. Even in the darkness, the presence of Providence is near.
Faith. Hope. Love. These three have been enough.
Faith. Hope. Love. Heather, my love, God is here. God is enough.